Conservative Paradise

by Travis Erbacher

Conservative Mother: Stop being a smart ALEC or I’ll ground you!

*Child pulls out a concealed handgun and shoots his mother to death*

Child: Sorry Ma’, I’ve got the right to stand my ground if you threaten me!

The child, who’s name we will change to ALEC for his protection, was correct in identifying his state’s “stand your ground” law as justification for killing his mother. ALEC was not convicted for murder in his mother’s death.

Thankfully this family lived in a state where pro-life legislation had been passed. The mother’s autopsy revealed that she was newly pregnant. Since ALEC was responsible for his mother’s death, he was also responsible for his embryonic future potential brother/sister’s death. For this crime ALEC was tried as an adult. ALEC was convicted of murder in the death of his future brother or sister and sentenced to death. 

ALEC and his family lived in a state that had courts stacked with Republican appointees as well as a Republican legislature. This means that while ALEC was not an adult, he could still be executed. Because ALEC and his family lived in a state with a Republican Governor, nobody intervened to stop the execution of a thirteen year old child.

Thankfully ALEC and his family lived in a pro-life Republican state where ALEC (the American Legislative Exchange Council) owns the Republican legislators and courts, and therefore has no obstacles to passing their model legislation. There ALEC were able to make their model state come to life: a place where someone can get away with murdering an adult human being with a legal concealed weapon, but get put to death or incarcerated for long periods of time for ending potential human life. Also, a place where the state can kill kids. Because why not.